Ren shook her head. Nobody had said it. But they didn't need to say it. She knew. She was smart enough to know the things that weren't said and didn't need to be said. She was not. This was incorrect.
"'Cos I've got to be a good Fionn. I've got to be great. Y'don't get it, Corbin. I'm going to be a fucking hero one day." Ren breathed out. "That's the only choice I've got. There's no other path. I'm going to be the Garou who ends the Wyrm. But I can't do that if I fuck up. I have to be a good Fionn. That means havin' a proper mate. One who's right. That means holdin' the values. It means--" It meant all sorts of things. Delighting in kin. Fighting for them. Being their protectors. Being their heroes. Being like her father. "--it means I have t'stop myself from being tempted from what's wrong."
Is she started slipping here she might never reach there.
Corbin knew something about heroes. He had heard enough stories and talked to his Granny enough to know that it was important, heroes and destiny and all of that, and once he had been a bit older, had been glad that wasn't going to be him. So he could at least respect the whole not wanting to fuck up and be a hero and all of that bit.
But then Ren had to say the words "tempted" and "what's wrong" and he immediately held a hand up. "Whoa whoa whoa hold on a second, Ren. You wanna be a hero, fine. You wanna end the Wyrm, alright" whatever the fuck that was, his brain amended, but that wasn't important right now "but what the absolute fuck does that have to do with likin' women? It ain't wrong, and it sure as hell don't make you wrong." He sighed, running his hand through his hair again "You sure as hell don't have to lie about it. Not here." There were other things he wanted to get out but he didn't quite know how, he didn't know enough and couldn't get the words to line up right, but he knew that the bond was what was important, not if the person was male or female.
Ren knew it. There were things that had been frowned upon since she was old enough to notice boys and thrn notice girls as well. To do your part was to do the right thing. Yo do the right thing by the tribe so it could do the right thing by you. Ren knew that had she of not changed it was likely she would have been introduced to some young and upcoming Garou. Encouraged by family to do the natural thing that came to young lads and lasses with raging hormones and sly looks.
"When the time is right. I'll have a mate. A proper one. And I'll have to do right by him. Don't get us wrong, Corbin, I like lads. I fancy them. I enjoy them. If I met the right lad, it wouldn't be a problem." And for a moment her thoughts lingered on Siobhan's nephew that she had been introduced to. "Anythin' but. But part of bein' a Fionn and be the right sort of Fionn is contributing to carrying on the Nation. Bein' selfish in what you want does nothin' to help towards that." If anyone knew about her...feelings, it would be a problem.
"And I like girls, but if I end up with a guy that don't make me the wrong sort of anything. And it don't make you wrong or bad or any sorta shit like that. It ain't selfish." Gods above this was a mess. For a sharp moment he wishes Ingrid was here, his oldest sister had a no-nonsense way about her that would have cut right through Ren's objections he was sure.
He leaned back in his chair and then leaned forward, restless and starting to develop a headache. "And you still ain't said why that makes a damn bit of difference here." He gestured at the castle, and by extension Fairy Fuckberg. "It don't matter what anyone back home wants here. You ain't" he swallows against the momentary tightness in his throat, it's not often he presents the whole amnesia thing as a bonus, but he's sure it is for some folks "you ain't even gonna remember anything that happens here. No one is. Your dad could come here, walk in on you fuckin a girl and when you went home he wouldn't remember a damn thing about it. Like it ain't... like it ain't even happened." He frowns when he says that, he doesn't need to focus on how much that hurt him personally to say. He needed to help Ren figure out she could cut the whole act about being straight. Even if he couldn't get it through her head that it wasn't wrong.
Ren physically stiffens at the mention of her father and the thought of him walking in and finding her with a girl. There had been a few close calls over the years. Too close for comfort but Ren had always been careful, even before her change, to keep her tomcatting well away from the house. She couldn't have deal with the disappointment on his face were he to catch her.
"Aye. He wouldn't. But the spirits would." And so, came the root of Ren's paranoia. "It's one thing to carry on with lasses. To...be 'round them and do stuff with them. Takin' one as a mate, even here, the spirits would know." Ren sighed heavy, leaning forward and putting her head in her hands for a moment. She had already done too much. She'd already lost her sense to the temptation of soft lips and curves and now, now, she was thinking along lines she wasn't allowed to go down.
"The spirits witness everythin' we do." It was why the notion of being watched by the fey didn't bother Ren as much as it really should do. She was used to being watched by spirits. "A Garou is only as good as her name. Her deeds. What she does. Y'can hide things from other Garou but y'can't from the spirits. The see things, they tell your stories, they remember what you've done. It's all well 'nd good sayin' things don't count here. But I don't know that it swings the same way for me. The Fianna and Fair Folk. They've known each other a long time. I don't trust that what happens here won't get back. Won't ruin me life."
Ah. Well that was a root, and he was not good enough at this shit to untangle the heart of it. But he thought he saw a flaw in Ren's plan. "And they're gonna be okay with you lyin' and sayin some boy you don't care 'bout like that is your mate? These spirits care more about me havin a dick than that you're lyin' about me?" That... didn't seem like it made a lot of sense to him. And these spirits seemed like a bunch of assholes if you asked him.
It didn't make sense. Because this was Ren's warped perception of what was expected of her, passed through word of mouth, her experiences with the Fianna, what she had taken in during her initiation, her role within the tribe and the expectations on her young shoulders.
"I dunno. I'm not a Theurge." Ren admitted. "Spirits don't care much 'bout feelings though. All they'd see is someone honourably mated." The Garou groaned again, putting her head in her hands again. "I just...I don't want t'tell them I'm...." She didn't want to use the word. That was too much like admitting it. "If they ask, just tell them I stepped over the line 'nd you put us straight and we aren't like that. That I was gettin' ahead of m'self. They'll believe that. Please Corbin."
Corbin sighed "That I can do. Or I'll try, I ain't that great a liar. But Ren..." He wanted to hold her or hug her or take her hands or something, but he didn't know her well enough to know how she'd take it. So he settled for leaning forward, tilting his head so she could see his face.
"There ain't nothin wrong with you. I don't give a fuck what you think some spirit that don't even care if you're happy thinks or wants to say. You ain't broken, you ain't wrong just cause you like girls. I hope you find someone that makes you happy. And it really fuckin' shouldn't matter what they got in their pants. But I think that's for you to deal with." He could say it til his throat was hoarse, but if Ren wasn't ready to hear it then she wouldn't.
Ren breathes heavily as the claw grip of fear around her throat loosens with relief that Corbin wasn't going to rat her out immediately. It wasn't a promise to hide her secret but it was enough that she could work with it.
"I don't want y'to think...." Ren starts and stops. "There ain't nothing wrong with people being....I don't have a problem with it." She didn't hate gay people or anything. But when she was attracted to lads and lasses, it was selfish of her to pick the choice that didn't help the Garou nation. "I just can't pick that choice."
Corbin sighed quietly. "Whatever you end up doin, just make sure it's one you can live with, one that makes you happy. And you don't need to be lyin to folks." Especially not when it brought other people into the lie without knowing if they'd be okay with it.
And he might've been unsure about the danger of touching Ren when she was in this emotionally delicate a situation, but she didn't have the same concern as she leant forward to hug him. Ren was naturally a tactile person.
"I'm sorry I involved you in this shit. It won't ever happen again. I promise."
Corbin knew he wasn't a threatening sort of person, and he was naturally tactile too, so he was fine with the hug, sighing in something between relief and exasperation as he returned it.
"Alright. Next time you show up at my door at 2 am you better have some whiskey on you is all I'm sayin." He gives her a grin and a chuckle, he wasn't about to start drinking at... 3 am now? But it would be nice as an apology for later.
"I'll try not to show up at y'door at stupid am again. But if I do, whiskey, I promise." Ren assured. But, for now, she had overstayed her welcome. Especially at this hour of the night. Ren tapped the tops of her thighs and made to stand. "Right. I'm gonna leave you in peace. I've kept y'up too long."
"You got a deal." He'll stand up to, and pull Ren into a hug when she stands. He's not werewolf strong, but he's no shrimp either, he does plenty of physical labor. "Do me a favor. Go find that person you wanted to say was your mate and make sure she knows she's special, alright? I get... you can't tell everyone else she is. But I think she needs to know." If she wanted to keep it a secret that was a Ren and whoever this other person was problem. But this unknown other person at least should know that Ren cared about them.
Ren definitely isn't going to complain about hugs. For all this fairyland seems to be about being physical with people, there flat out hasn't been enough physical affection for her needs. "I will. I promise." Ren assured him. And to Ren, promises were more than sacrasanct.
Corbin would agree on that point, and if asked, would be more than happy with more hugs, from Ren or any of the people he's friends with. Hugs are great, okay?
"Good." He gives her one last squeeze and then lets go, nodding his head towards the door. "Go on, I gotta get some sleep some time." But he smiles when he says it and there's no malice or even annoyance to the words, though he does yawn widely directly after.
"Good dreams, Ren." Corbin closes the door and lets his head fall back against the door with a quiet thud, rubbing his hands over his face.
Then he goes over to grab his tome and get a hold of Caleb. He knows the man had just left, but he's hoping he won't mind coming over to actually stay the night. He needs some cuddles.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: canon typical views and very uncool thinking about sexuality
She was not. This was incorrect."'Cos I've got to be a good Fionn. I've got to be great. Y'don't get it, Corbin. I'm going to be a fucking hero one day." Ren breathed out. "That's the only choice I've got. There's no other path. I'm going to be the Garou who ends the Wyrm. But I can't do that if I fuck up. I have to be a good Fionn. That means havin' a proper mate. One who's right. That means holdin' the values. It means--" It meant all sorts of things. Delighting in kin. Fighting for them. Being their protectors. Being their heroes. Being like her father. "--it means I have t'stop myself from being tempted from what's wrong."
Is she started slipping here she might never reach there.
/record scratching noise
But then Ren had to say the words "tempted" and "what's wrong" and he immediately held a hand up. "Whoa whoa whoa hold on a second, Ren. You wanna be a hero, fine. You wanna end the Wyrm, alright" whatever the fuck that was, his brain amended, but that wasn't important right now "but what the absolute fuck does that have to do with likin' women? It ain't wrong, and it sure as hell don't make you wrong." He sighed, running his hand through his hair again "You sure as hell don't have to lie about it. Not here." There were other things he wanted to get out but he didn't quite know how, he didn't know enough and couldn't get the words to line up right, but he knew that the bond was what was important, not if the person was male or female.
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Yes it did.
Ren knew it. There were things that had been frowned upon since she was old enough to notice boys and thrn notice girls as well. To do your part was to do the right thing. Yo do the right thing by the tribe so it could do the right thing by you. Ren knew that had she of not changed it was likely she would have been introduced to some young and upcoming Garou. Encouraged by family to do the natural thing that came to young lads and lasses with raging hormones and sly looks.
"When the time is right. I'll have a mate. A proper one. And I'll have to do right by him. Don't get us wrong, Corbin, I like lads. I fancy them. I enjoy them. If I met the right lad, it wouldn't be a problem." And for a moment her thoughts lingered on Siobhan's nephew that she had been introduced to. "Anythin' but. But part of bein' a Fionn and be the right sort of Fionn is contributing to carrying on the Nation. Bein' selfish in what you want does nothin' to help towards that." If anyone knew about her...feelings, it would be a problem.
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He leaned back in his chair and then leaned forward, restless and starting to develop a headache. "And you still ain't said why that makes a damn bit of difference here." He gestured at the castle, and by extension Fairy Fuckberg. "It don't matter what anyone back home wants here. You ain't" he swallows against the momentary tightness in his throat, it's not often he presents the whole amnesia thing as a bonus, but he's sure it is for some folks "you ain't even gonna remember anything that happens here. No one is. Your dad could come here, walk in on you fuckin a girl and when you went home he wouldn't remember a damn thing about it. Like it ain't... like it ain't even happened." He frowns when he says that, he doesn't need to focus on how much that hurt him personally to say. He needed to help Ren figure out she could cut the whole act about being straight. Even if he couldn't get it through her head that it wasn't wrong.
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"Aye. He wouldn't. But the spirits would." And so, came the root of Ren's paranoia. "It's one thing to carry on with lasses. To...be 'round them and do stuff with them. Takin' one as a mate, even here, the spirits would know." Ren sighed heavy, leaning forward and putting her head in her hands for a moment. She had already done too much. She'd already lost her sense to the temptation of soft lips and curves and now, now, she was thinking along lines she wasn't allowed to go down.
"The spirits witness everythin' we do." It was why the notion of being watched by the fey didn't bother Ren as much as it really should do. She was used to being watched by spirits. "A Garou is only as good as her name. Her deeds. What she does. Y'can hide things from other Garou but y'can't from the spirits. The see things, they tell your stories, they remember what you've done. It's all well 'nd good sayin' things don't count here. But I don't know that it swings the same way for me. The Fianna and Fair Folk. They've known each other a long time. I don't trust that what happens here won't get back. Won't ruin me life."
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"I dunno. I'm not a Theurge." Ren admitted. "Spirits don't care much 'bout feelings though. All they'd see is someone honourably mated." The Garou groaned again, putting her head in her hands again. "I just...I don't want t'tell them I'm...." She didn't want to use the word. That was too much like admitting it. "If they ask, just tell them I stepped over the line 'nd you put us straight and we aren't like that. That I was gettin' ahead of m'self. They'll believe that. Please Corbin."
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"There ain't nothin wrong with you. I don't give a fuck what you think some spirit that don't even care if you're happy thinks or wants to say. You ain't broken, you ain't wrong just cause you like girls. I hope you find someone that makes you happy. And it really fuckin' shouldn't matter what they got in their pants. But I think that's for you to deal with." He could say it til his throat was hoarse, but if Ren wasn't ready to hear it then she wouldn't.
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"I don't want y'to think...." Ren starts and stops. "There ain't nothing wrong with people being....I don't have a problem with it." She didn't hate gay people or anything. But when she was attracted to lads and lasses, it was selfish of her to pick the choice that didn't help the Garou nation. "I just can't pick that choice."
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intelligence success 1
And he might've been unsure about the danger of touching Ren when she was in this emotionally delicate a situation, but she didn't have the same concern as she leant forward to hug him. Ren was naturally a tactile person.
"I'm sorry I involved you in this shit. It won't ever happen again. I promise."
well finally
"Alright. Next time you show up at my door at 2 am you better have some whiskey on you is all I'm sayin." He gives her a grin and a chuckle, he wasn't about to start drinking at... 3 am now? But it would be nice as an apology for later.
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"Good." He gives her one last squeeze and then lets go, nodding his head towards the door. "Go on, I gotta get some sleep some time." But he smiles when he says it and there's no malice or even annoyance to the words, though he does yawn widely directly after.
"Shit, 'scuse me." He really was tired.
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"Good dreams." She bids as she closes the door behind her.
~Fin~
Then he goes over to grab his tome and get a hold of Caleb. He knows the man had just left, but he's hoping he won't mind coming over to actually stay the night. He needs some cuddles.